I don’t feel sex is fun any more

Dear Bunmi,
I‘ve been married to my husband for over 20 years and we’ve had a decent sex life throughout our marriage but, following a serious illness, I had to avoid sex for three months and lost the urge to make love. I’m now well and fit, but still don’t want sex. My mother and sister both had early menopause, now I think the same thing may be happening to me too.

I’ve told my husband he can hold my hand or stroke my breasts as he pleasures
himself – and I will also pleasure him – but he is furious and accuses me of not loving him.
He says he’d rather go without sex than this. It’s a total stalemate that is spoiling the rest of our lives.

Ajoke, by e-mail.

Dear Ajoke,
Lovemaking doesn’t have to be about penetration, I agree, but it does require two people to be present in spirit as well as body. Your husband wants more than a climax, he wants you to participate. A long lay-of from sex can kill off desire, but it’s possible your
shutdown is linked with your feelings about your illness – vulnerability, morality, etc.

If your problem is hormonal (and a simple test by your doctor could establish this)
your libido may be lowered, but you can still cherish your man. Or can’t you? (Do you still offer lots of cuddles even when fully clothed or is there a physical distance? If you can’t, then the hormones may be a convenient mask for a deeper reluctance to be intimate.

A lot of women enjoy sex well after menopause. You need to make your marriage work, and resenting your husband’s advances is not one of the methods. Invest in a lubricant from your chemist, and encourage more foreplay when you make love.